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A Bundle of Myrrh

"My beloved is unto me as a bundle of myrrh." Song of Solomon 1:13

Fertility In A Fallen World: Sarah’s Story

November 17th, 2015 by Aubri


 I asked if anyone would be willing to discuss a topic that isn’t easy and share the story of their fertility journey. I have had a very good response from many of you and I’m honored to finally begin presenting some of the stories that have graciously been provided by some wonderful women.  

In this series women with different experiences will share the pain and blessings that the gift of fruitfulness carries with it, in the hope of bringing out God’s grace and promise to those couples struggling to welcome this gift when it is not known how it will turn out in a sinful world. 

Whether the result be a healthy child, a child who goes almost immediately to be with Christ, or there is no gift of life, all women of child-bearing age wrestle with this cross and the unforeseen works of God that are to come.

While we might envy God’s work in another woman or couple, Christ alone designs the cross appropriately for each. To desire to please God in this sinful world will entail suffering. But there is comfort in knowing we are not alone. There is value in hearing each other stories, that while our paths are different, it is still a struggle of faith, which all God’s children share. 

And it is a great comfort to know that God’s love is not found in how many children we are given or have taken from us, but in the saving sacrifice of Christ on the cross and in His glorious resurrection.

This is Sarah’s story.

I come from a tricky background. I have three brothers, only one of whom I really knew, and two sisters, again, only one of whom I really knew.   Each of us, also had the pleasure of having a different father. Told you it was tricky. My brother and sister that I knew, were 20 and 16 years older than me, so I was pretty much an only child, just the three of us. Step dad, mom, and myself.

Unfortunately, my mother has been through 6 marriages and I was her last baby. She never really discussed ‘when you have children’ or ‘when you get married’. And she was really the only one that would have talked to me about it and didn’t. Personally, I didn’t see myself being a mother until motherhood happened. After that, there was no way I could think otherwise.

My husband and I were brought together in marriage because we were having our oldest child. I was a strapping 18 years old when we got married, we were both super nervous and glad we had support from some of our family members. In the beginning of our marriage, between children, I would get on ‘the pill’, but after our third, after we started getting more biblical views on the gift of childbearing, I stopped using it all together.

As my husband went through seminary he gained a deeper realization that God is the God of the living and He is the God of Life. During this time it was either passages he would read in class or those we looked at together when we read the NT that made him more certain of this understanding, that we are put on this earth to be fruitful and multiply in the name of God as is said in Genesis. “And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

He also had conversations with a fellow seminarian about birth control pills causing abortions which we were worried about, so we stopped and our third child made her appearance. My husband and I began talking more about the issue of birth control and together we came to the conclusion that God will let us know when we are done. We decided to simply leave it to God. It’s not our place to say how many children we are to be blessed with. If we are not to have anymore, then He is doing so with good reason. If our views had not been changed, we might not have had our last three children. What a loss for us. What a blessing from God. At first, I was unsure of having a LOT of children. But the more I was blessed with, the more I fell in love with the role I was given.

When I had Mara, my 6th child, I was in labor for two hours. I’m a fast deliverer. I don’t play around. With six kids, I’ve had overall maybe 15 hours of labor. Mara decided to make her debut a little more … What’s the word ….. memorable? I was 9 cm dilated when the doctor broke my water. Then he said, ‘That’s not a head. That’s a hand. And she’s holding my finger.’ So they prepped me for a C Section, not as bad as you’d think, I’m a baby and if I can have one, you can, and they cut me open.

Easy peasy right? No. Mara was sideways. And her head was stuck. My uterus contracted on her head and they couldn’t get her out. So they had to make another cut. That extra cut, with the birthing of six children, has, in no kind words, beaten my uterus up. And if I were to conceive again, my uterus would rupture, resulting in immediate death of the baby, and a 50% chance of death for me. So at the moment, we have to use contraception.

I have struggled. It’s been easier for a little while, but then I’ll donate Mara’s clothes that she’s already outgrowing because I’ll never need them again. It’s not that I’m not happy with what I’ve been given, and trust me, I feel like a whiny two year old not getting her way, but in the words of Ariel, ‘I want mooooooooore’.

The gift of life is a beautiful thing. The kick you feel in your belly. The heartburn (I had a love/hate relationship) you get when you even drink water. The feeling of a newly born babe on your chest feeling the breath of life from them. It’s hard to believe, but I now understand what a barren woman feels like. I can have no more children. Yes, I got to bear six. But the fact that I will bear no more is heart wrenching.

I will bring forth no more life from my womb. I won’t need little socks anymore. I won’t need diapers when Mara is done with them. I won’t need a crib around anymore. I’m not ok with it yet. But God is good and we trust Him.

My husband and I always said, when He says we are done we are done. So now we must pray for comfort and understanding. Pray for the peace that only He gives knowing that he knows better than we think we know.

I pray a lot for forgiveness for my selfishness, and for Him to ease the pain of my ache along with the ache of every barren woman. It’s a tough situation sometimes. But it’s getting easier every day.

I have six children, but I am medically barren. I have not lost the feeling, yet, of wanting to have more children but I have recently had to deal with the feelings of being barren. I have cried for barren women everywhere, because I can’t even imagine never having been given children. I have been blessed with six of God’s creations, but I can receive no more of His gift inside my womb.

My life now, is full of chaos, crazy, little feet running around, new milestones every day, and an almost teenager devouring everything in his sight. When I hear the words  “Children are a gift from the Lord” I smile and nod with a fake smile on the rough days, because yes, there are rough days. And on the good days, which outnumber the rough days, I smile and feel joy outpouring and overflowing from my heart. I have been abundantly blessed with children.


You can read more from Sarah on her blog, Saved Through Childbearing.

Read more stories in this series.


One Response to “Fertility In A Fallen World: Sarah’s Story”

  1. Ewe says:

    It took me several years of marriage to figure out that it doesn’t matter if you have 0, 3, or 12 living children. There will be lots of tears shed whether it is primary or secondary infertility. That is very difficult to explain to others. I will spend the rest of my life being thankful for the blessing of 3 living children while grieving my 11 children in heaven.