Trusting God with procreation comes at a very high cost. I’ve grilled myself on this subject for hours, days, years asking some hard questions.
I sit down with all of your stories, I stand in a room or on the curb in the cold night with some of you ladies and I listen to your words. I see your tears, I hear the fear and regret in your voices and I’m still left with a whole lot of hard questions.
That high cost is different for all of us. The stories you all have shared with me have shown me so many sides of the struggle with this issue.
For all our attempts to control procreation, for all our fears of having too many babies or none to ever hold at all, I’m learning that we know nothing. We are nothing.
Procreation is God’s business. He has given us a very small part.
You could say that I am a fruitful woman. I have been fruitful and blessed with 6 babies in 5 years. I don’t know anyone else who has been given this (yes I’m sure someone has me beat somewhere!) But here I am, 9 months after my sweet sixth baby and not carrying another.
For the first time in our six years of marriage we will not have a baby this year. I’ve never experienced this. At this point I’ve always been at least 5 months along with another child, but here we are with none.
And there may never be another.
Seven months ago I was once again worn down and worn out. Six little children needed me all the time. Staring at the physical, spiritual, disciplinary needs they all had and how badly I was managing them, I told God I was done. I didn’t want anymore babies. I’ve shared this before. I tread these waters after each baby, but this time I despaired in a new way and I was determined.
I feared it, the worst my sinful mind could conjure. I feared for these children. I feared a baby every year for the rest of my childbearing years.
After just a short time I was renewed, my mind changed. I saw that truly I did want more children even right away if God should will that. And this was God’s doing.
Here I want to state something. It is God that is good. Not me. I can’t let anyone think that I can handle 6 babies in 5 years because I am somehow more spiritual, stronger, braver or have more faith than anyone else. I am not special. God does not love me more than another woman because I “can do this” and “she can’t.” God can do all things, not me. But I have realized that there are a couple things in my life that God has blessed me with that in practical ways have greatly helped.
1.) My husband. I’ve never known a man like him. He is a my head, my leader, my wisdom. He has a clarity of thinking about things in this world that I will probably never have but everyday benefit from. He keeps me on a path that is hard to walk but one that I deeply believe I must be on and would be the poorer if I were not. He loves me and cares for me. Without God having given me this man, I don’t know that I could have handled what I have during the last 6 years or could continue to face.
2.) We are debt free. Again, this is in thanks to my husband who made this a priority even before we got married. This might sound irrelevant but as I look back I see again and again where had we been in debt, had we had payments that put financial strain on our life, there would have been times when I needed a break, when we needed a date, a vacation together away from children and this might not have been a possibility. We do not have the financial struggles many couples do. We have made sacrifices to get out of debt and we live at or below our means because we do not want those struggles and the limitations that debt can bring.
And still with these gifts in my life I’m full of doubt, fear, grumbling, hatred, anger. I believe I’m no more equipped to be the mother of 6 babies than anyone else.
From one day to the next my fears change. My desires are ever fickle. So different what I want today compared to 10 years ago. And 10 years into the future will I regret having had more babies than I could handle? Probably not.
God has shown me, I am nothing. He has closed my womb. He has given my body the rest I so craved and I am thankful! God has heard my cry and given me rest.
But. Yes, but. But now there are new fears. I am still not in control. This rest God has given might be permanent. That “there may never be another baby” plays in my mind every month and I can’t help but feel sorry for that. I want more. God must help me to be content.
I’ve never met a woman who has wished she’d had less children, but more. That, I hear over and over again.
What if you are one of those women? What if you have been open to the more and God’s plan has been less? What if you’ve done this fertility thing all “right”, trusted God and all you get is pain in return?
I can imagine what might happen then; sin, anger, despair, envy, pride.
Or, maybe more opportunity to have faith. Maybe God would use such great pain to bless you with more comfort in Christ. To conform you into His image and bring you eternal good.
I’ve hoped that these Fertility Stories have given comfort for women or couples that face the high cost, to know they don’t struggle alone, that there are other women who have battled over this too. And some of those battles are so much more than you may ever experience. And some seem small compared to yours. But we’re all there. Sinners left with nothing but sinful bodies, sinful hands attempting in vain to steward a great gift. All of us failing!
Sin has made us weak in bodies that fail, in minds that falter and sin that leaves us with a pitiful amount of faith.
We know nothing. We are nothing. But God in Christ has made us His. He is our good and loving Heavenly Father wanting good for His dear little lambs. We are weak but loved. And God richly and daily provides all that we need to support this body and life, perhaps not the way we want Him to, but in the way He has seen fit and good.
I’m still asking for your stories. If any of you want to share yours with us please do. You can get details on how to do that HERE.
Love this. Inspiring as always. You are a Titus 2 woman in my life and I appreciate your openness and transparency in this area! Its such a journey, with much joy and sometimes sorrow. He that called us is faithful.
He is indeed Bridget, thank you.