I asked if anyone would be willing to discuss a topic that isn’t easy and share the story of their fertility journey. I have had a very good response from many of you and I’m honored to present the stories that have graciously been provided by some wonderful women.
In this series women with different experiences will share the pain and blessings that the gift of fertility carries with it, in the hope of bringing out God’s grace and promise to those couples struggling to welcome this gift when it is not known how it will turn out in a sinful world.
Whether the result be a healthy child, a child who goes almost immediately to be with Christ, or there is no gift of life, all women of child-bearing age wrestle with this cross and the unforeseen works of God that are to come.
While we might envy God’s work in another woman or couple, Christ alone designs the cross appropriately for each. To desire to please God in this sinful world will entail suffering. But there is comfort in knowing we are not alone. There is value in hearing each other stories, that while our paths are different, it is still a struggle of faith, which all God’s children share.
And it is a great comfort to know that God’s love is not found in how many children we are given or have taken from us, but in the saving sacrifice of Christ on the cross and in His glorious resurrection.
This is Ewe’s story.
Looking back a few generations, my grandma came from a family with 3 sisters and a boy that came to live with them before the days of official adoptions. After 10 years of marriage God opened my grandma’s womb and she had 4 children in 4 years and then her womb was closed. I thought her family was perfect because she had 2 boys and then 2 girls so everyone had someone their age to play with. I can’t imagine how busy she was with 4 young children before the days of washers and dishwashers. Two of my grandma’s sisters had children when they were in their mid 40s, but my grandma had her last at age 36.
My parents waited 4 years of marriage before they had me. Then they waited 7 more years before being blessed with my sister when my mom was 38. My parents had some friends that were Roman Catholic and had several children. Once when we visited them I said, “They ought not have so many children.” My mom stopped me then and told me children were a blessing. My parents would have loved to have more children if God would have granted them. I knew my mom was against the pill for health reasons and I grew up knowing I would never use it.
When Ram and I went through premarital counseling, the pastor had us take a compatibility test. The pastor said he had never had a couple that came out so similar. We both grew up in Christian families and both sets of our parents had been married about 30 years when we were married. We had spent much time talking about our future life together. Our biggest disagreement was that I wanted 4 kids and he wanted 6.
When I was single I had a friend that was married but they did not desire to ever have children so they did NFP. When we were finally married after a year engagement and both in our late 20s, neither one of us wanted to do the barrier method. While we were engaged and living long distance apart, Ram and I each read about NFP. When we were first married we loosely practiced NFP. The biggest reason for this was I felt responsible to continue my teaching job until he graduated from Seminary and we would move. It was not for financial reasons. It was not because we wanted time together before children. NFP seemed good because I wasn’t taking hormonal birth control; it was free; I could continue teaching; and when he graduated we could start our family right away.
We loosely practiced it and would have kept any children if I would have become pregnant then. It was a blessing to not worry about being pregnant or not pregnant each month as a newlywed. I never purchased a pregnancy test while we did NFP. I did learn a lot about my body and how my body works during those days of NFP. Sometimes I wonder if we would have one more child if we hadn’t done NFP at the beginning of our marriage.
As engaged and then newlyweds, I don’t remember anyone telling us either that we should wait to have children or start our family right away. I think all our family members trusted us at that point in our lives to make our own decisions. A friend of mine said she would give me 6 months of NFP before I would be pregnant. But that didn’t happen. I quit charting after we moved to Ram’s first job and the very next month I was pregnant.
I was hospitalized for a week with extreme morning sickness. Other than that it was a normal pregnancy and easy birth. My son was diagnosed with milk soy protein intolerance and we had a very rough first 2 years of his life. I don’t know how in the middle of that I got pregnant, but I did. Shortly after my son’s first birthday I had a miscarriage. I was not prepared for this after the first pregnancy went so well. Since we had already told friends and family that I was pregnant, we had to tell them that we had a miscarriage. I was surprised then how many women told me that their second pregnancy was a miscarriage.
After the miscarriage we had two more boys. With both of these pregnancies ultrasounds and blood tests prepared us for possible complications or birth defects, but both of them were born healthy and normal. My third son was born when I was 34. Even with the miscarriage I took my fertility for granted then because when we stopped NFP I was pregnant immediately and we had 3 children born in 4 years. Now I am 40 and we have 3 boys ages 10, 8, and 6 and a total of 9 miscarried children in heaven. I have been pregnant at least once during every calendar year from 2003-2014. (My 3 boys are spring babies so that put me pregnant in two years for each of them.)
Through our marriage I have done everything that I think is morally acceptable for pregnancy. Ram and I pray about this continually whether I am pregnant or not. I attend church regularly and take Holy Communion when it is offered. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do before and during pregnancy, even shots twice a day. I eat healthy (mostly gluten free) and drink filtered water. I take prenatal vitamins and baby aspirin daily. I actually think all this is the reason why it is so easy for me to get pregnant. Ram and I have never “tried” to get pregnant and yet I have been pregnant 12 times in 12 years of marriage.
After some of my miscarriages I found out I have a blood clotting disorder (Factor II). This could become serious and even fatal when I am pregnant or if I were on hormonal birth control. I am so thankful that I never took any kind of hormonal birth control. Young women are warned about possible side effects, but they think it will never happen to them. But you wouldn’t know if you have a disorder until it is too late.
God has granted me 3 boys to raise here on earth and the rest of my children are in heaven with Him. This is not easy. I could write pages about the inconveniences and grief all these miscarriages have caused me. I’m sure some of my friends wonder why I haven’t done something to prevent pregnancy especially now that I’m 40. As much as I complain to God about having a miscarriage one more time, I have no regrets. I do not think there is anything I could have done differently. That means more to me than if I would have “gone on with my life” a few years ago and declared my family size was complete. It is also amazing to me that someday I will be surrounded by a dozen children in heaven. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are all boys and I thank God that He took care of 9 of them so I didn’t have to raise a dozen boys!
Even though people didn’t speak to us about fertility as newlyweds, recently I have heard from people that know about my miscarriages. Some think it would be ridiculous to have another child now that our youngest is 6 and I am 40. From talking to friends I think this is a common American way of thinking-both newlyweds and older women should take birth control. When your youngest is school age, why would you want to do diapers again? When you are past age 35 your baby has a higher chance of birth defects. There are many other reasons given.
Psalm 127 was read at our wedding. I often felt that my quiver was not full and I got to the point that I hated this Psalm. I did nothing to prevent pregnancies and yet it looks like my quiver is so small compared to others. The devil is so good at tempting me with facts that remind me that I don’t have very many arrows in our quiver. We live in an area surrounded by many people in religions that have large families. I almost cry when I am asked how many children we have. That is a normal simple question that I am asked frequently. I want to answer that I have a dozen children so people know that we did not do anything to keep our family size small. Our kitchen table seems to be missing one child because only 5 of the 6 chairs are filled. It is very difficult for me to accept that my 6 year old was the last child that I nursed.
As a pastor’s wife I am reminded by members and visitors almost every Sunday how much of a blessing my boys are. Most of those people speaking to me have no idea that I have 9 more children in heaven. When I attended the He Remembers the Barren Retreat last July many of the women there had no children. They couldn’t imagine having many miscarriages. They reminded me that it was a blessing to be pregnant 12 times. I’m sure I have many friends that don’t understand my desire for more children when I have been blessed with 3 boys.
It has been a long road to realize that only God can control my fertility. I have repented for taking my fertility for granted. I have repented for hoping to not get pregnant as a newlywed. I know that God knows the future and will work my future to His glory. I do not know when my last pregnancy will be or if I have already had my last pregnancy. I know that God has the best in mind for me even when it does not look that way to me. I am so thankful to God that none of my miscarriages have had complications that made this physically difficult.
If I was talking to a woman about to make choices about her fertility, I would ask her to think seriously and have a very good reason for doing anything permanent. We have no idea what the future holds. Your circumstances can change in an instant.
One of my friends had the normal American family of 3 children and had her tubes tied. Then her husband left her. When she remarried she would have loved to have another child with her second husband. He accepted her children and then grandchildren like his own, but he missed out on their first years before he was in the picture. At the age of a grandpa he was teased about how many diapers he changed and he was sad to answer none. Another friend with many children lost her husband in an accident and then remarried. Many friends that had children in their 20’s and thought they were done had another one in their late 30’s and are so happy to have one more. Some friends had no choice but to do something permanent because of medical reasons and this has caused much grief.
I would also ask her to think if she does something permanent whom else it will affect besides herself and her husband. You hear stories on the news of women that carry babies for their sisters because their sisters can’t. Will your parents be disappointed to have no more grandchildren? Will your daughter miss having a sister? Would your teenagers be great big brothers? Will your best friend be caused grief knowing that you did something permanent by choice while she battles infertility? You also do not know what the future holds for the children you have now. Many parents bury a child before they go to heaven themselves. We just don’t know the future and if we will later regret a permanent choice made now.
If I would speak to a newlywed couple, I would ask them seriously think and talk together before using contraception. Please don’t use contraception just because that is the normal American way for newlyweds. In my opinion, no job (for either spouse) is worth trying to prevent a pregnancy. Finances will work out. You will get to know your spouse even if you become pregnant on your honeymoon. It is very easy once you begin contraception to take years before you feel ready to have a baby. You could want to financially be ready; have some time alone as a couple; get to that point in your career; finish school; and the list could go on and on before you are ready. It may be too late to have children if you wait until you feel ready. Please trust God to provide for you even if you don’t feel ready to start a family yet.
If I were to speak to a woman that had children with closer spacing than she would have liked or had many children, I would ask her to not take her fertility for granted. Just because you have several children now doesn’t mean you need to plan ahead to buy a bigger vehicle yet. You may be like my grandma and have your children quickly and then your womb may be closed. There may be a medical reason later that means you have no choice but to close your womb. It takes two healthy spouses to make a baby; you can’t take it for granted that you will both be healthy in the future.
If I were to talk to a woman with a baby that is screaming in the middle of the night and she doesn’t know how she is going to make it through the next day with her toddler, I would tell her to cuddle that baby and be thankful for him because it may be the last baby that she rocks to sleep. If you see a + sign on another pregnancy test, don’t assume that you can’t handle one more child. God will provide what you need and when you need it, please trust Him.
I don’t say this without knowledge of how hard it is. I had extreme morning sickness with my first. After he was born he never slept more than 15 minutes at a time for his first 2 months of life. I also lived through terrible morning sickness with 2 toddlers. Also remember that a positive test doesn’t always mean that you will be blessed to hold a baby that cries in 9 months.
I have many friends that had a baby or adopted after many miscarriages or fertility problems. From the outside it looks like they went through hard times but then they got their happy ending. Some times I wonder where my happy ending is. I have struggled through 9 miscarriages, isn’t that enough? I don’t know anyone else that has had that many miscarriages. Then I remember that I have a wonderful husband and 3 boys. My boys are even more miraculous after I found out I have Factor II.
My happy ending has nothing to do with how many children I took to the baptismal font. My happy ending is because of Jesus’ resurrection. Every day I can thank and praise God that He safely brought me to another day to live out my baptismal life in Christ. I continue my vocation of wife and mother while I keep my eye on eternal life in heaven.
God has granted Ram and Ewe with 3 Lambs to raise into young men. You may read more at Ewe’s blog at Day by Day, at Home, Away.
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—Click HERE for more stories in the Fertility in a Fallen World Series—
I would love to hear your story. If you would like to share that with us please see this post:
Fertility Stories – Would You Share?
I’m working on my own story, Ewe, and you’ve expressed many, many thoughts I have and have had, but in a better way than I could. God bless you and thanks for writing this!
And thanks, Aubri, for that last paragraph of your intro. It is a great encouragement to this daily-sinning-and-repenting mama