A Bundle of Myrrh

I’ve reached 38 weeks. Only “13 days” to go (sooner would be okay!) until this squirmy little girl vacates the premises. It’s coming much faster and painfully slower than I can believe. I’m having issues with my blood pressure this time that I’ve not had with past pregnancies. It rises over the limit it should be under then once rechecked it’s back down to normal levels. I feel like I can tell throughout the day when it is probably higher than normal and have been asked to monitor it at home throughout the week.

I’m finding the smallest tasks to almost be too much for me and have to sit down in the middle of cooking lunch or getting dressed. I get so dizzy and out of breath. And my old buddies of previous pregnancies are back to hang out, in case I missed them, those wonderful pelvic pains and bladder spasms. And I came down with a cold or allergy this week that just makes me want to curl up into a little ball for the next month or two.

I’m ready and done, but also dread what comes next. Something I read recently put very well my thoughts on the task ahead:

One would think that the more one does something, the more confident about doing that something one would become. But, no, not here. The more I birth, the more I am rendered inert, bewildered, afraid. The pain, the blood, the crushing helplessness poured liberally out of me, upon me, over and over and over again, teach all too well that in birth I am no goddess. Rather, I am caught and shaken like meat in ravenous jaws. There can be no escape. There can be no exertion or insistence or distinction of self, for I am but the matter upon which Birth enacts its form. In short, I am a woman, and accursed. All the baths, balls, and balms in the world detract nothing from the shame of my flesh, which cannot—not even when hoisted on rhetorical crutches—do well that which it was most especially designed to do: carry a child into the world.

If even the most blessed Virgin cried out in the agony of birth, how can I expect anything but agony? If even our most holy Lord was born under perilous circumstances, yea, even under the cross of death, why would peril be missing from the births of my children? Kyrie eleison.

From Gauntlets

Photo is of the “Naked Ladies” from our front yard. Yes, I love that there are “Naked Ladies” in Pastor’s front yard. I’m sure whoever planted them is getting a good laugh.

***Update: Strange, maybe there is something to the “nesting instinct“. Today I made muffins, cleaned 2 bathrooms that have been neglected for 4 weeks and have the 5th load of laundry in the machine right now. Does this mean baby will come EARLY??? Please?

I came across THIS post the other day about “How to Do Life While Pregnant”, to summarize;

“How do you function as a mom and homekeeper at the same time as realizing the limitations that your body is placing on you for a greater purpose?”

Really at this point I don’t know how to “do life” in any other state BUT pregnant, but I found it to be a good reminder to me that even though I’ve been pregnant for 39 out of the 46ish months I’ve been married this is still a season of my life. I love the “greater purpose” that my body is working for, but I am often frustrated by and just tired of “realizing my limitations”. But life won’t always be gestation, babies, toddlers and preschoolers (right? right?!).  So for this season I will take some of the writer, Jessica Fisher’s advice:

1. Prioritize – my energy has to be used for the essentials right now; clean clothes, clean (ish) kids, clean diapers, clean bathroom and food on the table. Man, that’s a lot of essentials.

2. Limit my commitments – I do have a hard time saying “no” and I really wish I could do more outside the home since it’s just that, something “outside the home” (fun!) but I’m rarely seen in public so I don’t have any pressure to say “yes” much right now. So, I can be thankful.

3. Ask for help – I’m bad at this one too but I’m learning! And very thankful for the extra hands my neighbor friend is offering right now!

4. Lower my standards (!) – Again, here’s one I really struggle with. Since I’m pregnant so often I feel like I’m in a constant state of “lower standards” and my home and kiddos look like… well, see picture above, that’s my life right now and actually those children have on more clothing than mine usually do these days.

5. Remember that relationships matter most – Jessica writes; “Life looks different with each new baby.” That is the truth, there’s more work, etc. with each new baby, but also more love. The busier I get the easier it can be to just get through the day and not stop for a bit to enjoy the moments (yes, there are a few) that these early years with our babies bring.