A Bundle of Myrrh

In response to Eugenie’s email and question “How are you? I really want to know how the balancing is with two small children. Jud and I are getting licenced to adopt through the foster system.”Just a warning, you’ve asked me how this parenting thing is going right after a “bad day”. Yesterday was not good for me. I just wanted to go in my room and close the door and let these babies just cry if they wanted. I think most of it was probably post-partum hormones making me a little crazy, but neither of the girls were very happy and listening to constant crying, whining, screaming from them really wears on you after a while. There are times like that at least once a day when they’re both going at the same time, but there are also times when they are both taking a nap and the house is quiet and I can feel ok about things. I don’t think I have a very “typical” situation here though. Which adds to my frustrations sometimes, but I know I’m not alone in the weariness of raising two young children! I also don’t think most people have two children under the age of one! That makes it easy in some ways I guess, I don’t have to deal with an extremely jealous or traumatized child, but I do have a baby that can’t walk or talk and still takes a bottle so she is still very helpless at times. I can’t explain to her why I can’t pick her up whenever she wants me or that hitting sister isn’t the right way to show her deep love and in turn she can’t tell me what she wants without crying or squealing. Then we both get very irritated. And I’m getting up once or twice a night with Clara so I’m tired and Lily who usually sleeps until 7:30 or 8 has been getting up around 6 in the morning lately! Right after or when I’m feeding Clara her last or first bottle whichever way you want to look at it. Phil helps when he can and tells me to tell him how he can help, and he’s such a good daddy, but he’s not “Mama” and some things only I can do and sometimes I can’t explain to him how I need him to help me so I get snippy and feel alone and unappreciated and angry. Yuk!

There’s also not many places to get out and go to here in Bancroft so I’m stuck in the house a lot unless I go for a walk. Which I’ve been doing by myself in the mornings and that is really nice. If we go for a walk I have to load them up in our double stroller or wear Clara in my sling. This is ok. Yesterday though, Clara cried the whole time so we had to come home. I’m still learning the art of going out with more than one child. That requires a lot more junk to tote around. So be ready for that. And since neither of mine are walking, I try to make sure I’ll have help. Our neighbors are really great at that. They watch Lily a lot and now come by before church to carry her over for me so I can take Clara. I sit with them in church so they can help there as well. We went to the library in a town near us on Monday and took the girls. They did pretty good. But it certainly isn’t like going by yourself and just being able to get a book and read.

Your situation would be different in many ways from mine and you won’t know what it’s really like until you’re going through it of course, but I guess I would say that like many things in life, it’s a challenge and a blessing. Some days are bad some are good and some are great! There’s a lot of figuring it all out as you go and learning to ask for help and I’m not the best at either of those. I’m also learning to relax about things that aren’t as big of a deal as I think they are, like a dirty house, baby getting dirty from my dirty floor, dirty me cuz I haven’t had the chance to take a shower in a couple days. There are times when everything feels off and like nothing that I think needs to get done will ever get done. Phil reminds me often that the girls are my priority. Everything else can wait. But I say, well, supper has to get made, laundry has to get done and for my sanity, this house needs some straightening up! It’s hard to balance and overlook sometimes. Sometimes I miss being able to do what I want whenever, not having to make 10 bottles, load diaper bags and get kids in car seats just to leave the house. I miss sitting down with a cup of coffee and reading, going to bed when I’m tired, getting up when I want, having a nice quiet supper with my husband every night! As they say and as I know now, having children changes everything! Is it all worth it? Most definitely. Like most parents, I can’t imagine not having these little people in my life. When I do get time alone I find myself thinking about them and missing them! Watching Lily grow and learn and develop has been one of the most amazing things in my life second only to my husband loving me despite myself oh and Jesus saving me. The giddy proud feeling you get when you see your baby wave goodbye to someone or roll over for the first time is so great and crazy that such “small” things can do that to you but they do. And Lord willing you’ll have a lifetime of watching this person change and grow! What a gift!

Ok, sorry to go on and on, but you asked! I hope the Lord brings some little ones to you and Jud soon. You guys have so much love to give and those children whoever they are will be blessed to have you as parents. Neither of you will always parent perfectly or even well all the time of course, but I know you’ll both do your best and that’s all we can do. I’ll be praying for you guys during this process and the waiting. Let me know how it’s going when you can. And please talk to me more about parenting when you want. It can feel lonely sometimes and someone to talk to is quite therapeutic!

I love you Pudge!
Aubbeez